FROM BLACK, VOICES EMERGE
We hear radio static and voices emerging. Normal radio chatter can be heard until you begin to hear more and more references to an object found in the sky.
RADIO CONTROLLER 1
CONR Controller, CONR Controlller, this is Alaskan ANR ROCC, picking up unidentified object 250 miles off Alaskan airspace. Do you copy, over?
RADIO CONTROLLER 2
Copy, ANR ROCC, receiving telemetry your position. We’re also picking up UFO 250 miles off Alaskan airspace. No answer to any hails, over?
RADIO CONTROLLER 1
Negative, CONR Controller, no answer to any hails, consider hostile. I repeat, consider hostile. Be advised, tracking target now 100 miles off Alaskan airspace, object is closing in fast-
RADIO CONTROLLER 2
Jesus, that thing is fast.
RADIO CONTROLLER 1
Alert, CONR Controller, object maintaining high altitude, now approaching Alaskan airspace.
RADIO CONTROLLER 2
Alaska, Alaska, confirm target. Is it an enemy missile? Over?
RADIO CONTROLLER 1
Negative, negative, Controller, object too big to be missile. Object approximately 200 miles wide, closing in fast-
The first controller’s connection is cut off by static and the second controller receives no response to his hails.
RADIO CONTROLLER 2
Alaska?
CUT TO:
DUAL SCENE, DAY
We see JACK and JILL, appearing together but in different scenes, separated b y a black line. They are facing forward and away, talking to their friends SEAN and SUSANNE off-camera.
JILL
Did you ever hear about the guy who saved a puppy from a drainpipe?
SUSANNE
Awww that’s a sweet story.
JILL
Hear me out, one this guy heard whining for a few hours outside his window, then went over to the drainpipe and found this puppy, shivering, his leg stuck in the drainpipe.
JACK
She calls me one day, out of her “timezone” as she calls it, says, “I wanna meet up for lunch.” She never does lunches, y’know?
SEAN
No buddy, I have NO idea.
JILL
He takes the puppy in, rears it, cares for it, it’s eternally grateful.
SUSANNE
That’s my type of guy, so caring.
JACK
We meet up in this place after work, just in the city, quiet, quaint, nice.
SEAN
Uh huh.
JILL
One day, as this guy is in the lounge reading the newspaper looking for new jobs cos he can’t care less about what he’s doing anymore as a career, he hears whining again.
SUSANNE
Was it the puppy again?
JACK
She looks at me, says “There’s no life worth living where we would date as a couple.”
SEAN
She said that?
JACK
And somehow, whatever came over me, I said, “Well…since we’re only have one life and already living together, we can keep on being miserable, won’t we?”
JILL
The guy gets up off his couch, walks over to the bathroom and finds the puppy…
SUSANNE
Was he taking a little poo like they do?
JACK
She looks me square in the eye, and replies, “I tell you what, that’s the worst excuse for keeping a relationship anyone’s ever given me.” Gets up, and walks out the door.
SEAN
Ouch.
JILL
..taking a crap in the tub.
FADE IN:
INT. COFFEE SHOP, DAY
JILL
That, to me, is how I can sum up my relationship with Jack. A crap in the bathroom.
CUT TO:
INT. PUB
JACK
That, I saw, was the end of something really special.
CUTAWAY, BOTH SEAN AND SUSANNE
SEAN/SUSANNE
Mate/hun, you gotta get over that.
SOUND: A large BOOM in the background, and scene reverberates as the characters look up.
TITLE OVER: Once Upon…an Alien Invasion.
CUT TO:
EXT. SHOP
Jack exits a shop with a scratch-card in his hand. It’s winter, and he’s shivering from the cold despite wearing a large, woolen coat. He scratches at the scratch-card but doesn’t win anything.
EXT. STREET
Along the way, he is oblivious to the TV screens in shop windows that onlookers are staring at, with a newscaster issuing shocking news:
ANCHORMAN
The President is keen to negotiate with the visitors as they approach the capital, and asks for everyone in the nation to pray…for a peaceful resolution.
Jack continues walking, unaware of the turmoil occurring in the news, and realises he is close to a nostalgic location he shared with someone special.
CUT TO:
The shot is in black and white, Jack and Jill are eating ice-cream cones.
JILL
Your mom called a few days ago.
JACK
Yeah?
JILL
Yeah…she said your father died.
JACK
(A shocked look on his face)
When?
JILL
(Has a mouthful of icecream)
A few days ago.
CUT TO:
JACK looks longingly at the spot. Clouds loom over him as another thunderous roar BOOMS in the heavens. He continues walking. He approaches a coffee shop and nearly stumbles into JILL as she walks out. He looks surprised, she’s slightly bewildered but unfazed.
JACK
Jill…
JILL
(Sounds exasperated)
Puppy.
JILL begins to walk away. She too hasn’t heard anything about the impending doom, while JACK begins to follow her.
JACK
Baby, c’mon, can’t we talk. It’s been 6 months. I’ve moved out, all the bills are paid, we can be friends, can’t we?
JILL
I don’t want to talk to you, Jack.
JACK
Why not?
JILL
It’s like talking to a child being let loose from his mother’s womb 5 years before she realises WEED is bad for her. You’re behind with humanity about that long, you’re like a neandrathal that just discovered toilet paper. Move on.
JACK
Jees, I knew you could dish out those insults like the rest of them, but wow.
JILL
Go away.
JACK
Look…let’s have coffee.
JILL
I already have coffee.
JACK
Then…let’s have dinner.
JILL
Dinner, Jack, is an ancient and archaic ritual adopted by Medieval Spanish courtiers involving two people who like each other over small dishes.
JACK
Perfect.
JILL
There’s two things wrong with it though: a. I don’t eat with my mouth full and b. I don’t like you.
JACK
Jill…
A thunderous BOOM is heard in the sky. JACK’s cellphone rings as he follows her.
JACK
Hold on one sec…hello?
SEAN
JACK! Buddy, where are you?
JACK
Not now, Sean, I’m trying to talk to Jill.
SEAN
Where?
JACK
On some street corner, I don’t know.
SEAN
Dude, get her inside, shit’s going down.
JACK
Dude, I can’t right now, I’ll call you later.
SEAN
No, wait-
JACK cuts off the call.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWSSTAND
As JILL walks past and JACK follows her like a lost puppy, the newsstand owner is listening to his radio. A newsreporter live from the capital is talking about an attack on the president’s building:
NEWSREPORTER
(He sounds worried, out-of-breath)
We can see that the president’s building is in flames. There are many explosions. Cars are on fire. I have no idea what’s going on. Oh God-
The newsstand owner looks shocked, begins to pack up his stand and close.
ANCHORMAN
We…umm…would like to apologise for that, we seem to have lost our feed with Luke there.
CUT TO:
EXT. JILL’S APARTMENT
JILL approaches her apartment with a New York-style flight of stairs leading up to the main door, with JACK trailing behind her.
JACK
Jill, c’mon, it’s been hard, you’re not really the easiest nut to crack. I mean, one minute you’re interested in some FLACID way, the next you’re oozing hatred for me like I couldn’t even imagine. Can I least get an explanation?
JILL stops mid-way through unlocking her door.
JACK
You haven’t given me one, y’know.
JILL
(let’s out a sigh)
I don’t do explanations, puppy.
JACK
(considers another tactic before she closes the door)
I still have some videogames up there.
JILL
I sold them for my evident crack addiction.
As JACK sees JILL shut the door behind her, he runs up to the doorway and politely knocks.
JACK
Jill, c’mon, please, don’t make me beg. You knew those videogames held sentimental value. We played them together in our onesies for a laugh, you in the rhino and me in the Pooh bear? You beat me then, remember?…Jill?
After a moment the door opens slightly, inviting JACK in.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY
As he closes the door behind him, JACK watches her at the top of the stairs going around the corner. While approaching the first step, he glances to a door slightly ajar and witnesses someone in their home frantically packing a bag in a hurry. He shrugs it off and follows her up the stairs. As he reaches the top of the stairs, two parents and their child storm down, pushing past him.
JACK
Hey, what’s the rush, people?
MAN
Get out, man! Get out of here while you still can! C’mon, honey!
CHILD
Daddy, can’t I take my toys with?
MAN
(A loud BOOM is heard)
Not now, we gotta go!
Jack still feels very confused about the situation, but as he’s desperate to win Jill back, he let’s it go and continues to her door.
INT. HALLWAY, JILL’S DOOR
Jack finds her door closed. He knocks politely on it.
JACK
Jill?
JILL (O.S)
I’m going out on a date tonight, Jack.
JACK
No…no problem. I’ll be two minutes, in-and-out.
JILL (O.S)
You better, puppy.
You can hear JILL’s door open, just as a loud BOOM is heard in the background. JACK opens the door lightly and walks into the apartment.
INT. JILL’S APARTMENT
JACK enters and closes the door behind him. He looks around the seemingly tidy but creative apartment, filled with books and paintings. JILL has a few board games on a shelf, and a jigsaw of a famous kid’s Videogame character battling a dragon is framed on the wall.
JACK
You finished the jigsaw?
JILL (O.S)
It’s missing a piece though.
JACK
What piece?
JILL (O.S)
Integrity.
JACK
(whispers)
Figures.
JACK hears shouts from the street. He ventures over to the window and sees a handful of people running across the street running in one direction. He looks up at the sky and dark clouds hang overhead in the dusk light.
JACK
Hey Jill? Maybe it’s not such a great idea to head out tonight.
JILL (O.S)
Why not?
JILL appears from her bedroom in a tight dress with a jacket and boots. She heads to a mirror to continue her preparations like hairclips.
JILL
You figure I might get abducted by aliens and interrogated about the secrets of our global defence system circling the planet?
JACK
That’s putting it mildly. I’ve got a funny feeling, that’s all.
JILL (O.S.)
Puppy, if it was funny, even I’d be laughing. I don’t need you. We broke up cos you’re not interesting anymore. And looking out for me? Well…
JACK
Can’t a guy feel protective over his girlfriend when she’s going out?
JILL (O.S.)
EX…girlfriend. And going out…on a DATE. The sooner you accept that, the sooner I can be bothered to establish our “met once and now make an effort to speak once in a while” type of friendship, rather than me wondering whether my loser ex-boyfriend shows up at my goldfish’s funeral dressed like a mariachi player on LSD.
JACK
A puppy with cute dimples.
JILL (O.S.)
Looks is not what got you in this apartment. Sympathy was.
JACK
I miss our candor it soothes me. I see you didn’t sell Toy Story: the Videogame.
JILL (O.S.)
Their plight and the interactivity it offered appealed to my renewed outlook on helping others. I figured toys deserve it more than failed boyfriends.
JACK
Jesus, Jill.
JILL (O.S.)
You wanted to be here.
JILL finishes her preparations and prepares to leave.
JILL
Your two minutes are up, puppy.
JACK
Fine. I’m going, I’m going. But only because-
A larger BOOM is heard and it reverberates throughout the apartment. Both look at each other and run to the window. As they approach, they can see people exiting them homes.
JACK
C’mon, let’s see what’s up.
JACK opens the door and they both rush out.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
As they rush down into the tarmac, they look up down the street at the distance in dismay.
JILL
I was joking about being abducted.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET FROM ABOVE
The shot pans away from JACK and JILL as ominous music plays and a dark shadow looms over them, reminiscing of a fly saucer covering the sky.
JACK
Jill?
JILL
Yeah?
JACK
Run.
JACK grabs JILL’s hand and leads her down the street.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
JACK leads JILL by the hand down the street, away from the general direction of the flying saucer. Periodically, he tries to yell at the residences along the way.
JACK
Hey! Is anybody at home? Get out! Aliens are coming! They’re invading!
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT WINDOW
An OBESE MAN opens his window and sticks out his head.
OBESE MAN
Hey asshole, shut the hell up!
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE WINDOW
JILL stops dead in her tracks and faces the OBESE MAN.
JILL
Oh I’m sorry. Did we interrupt your Britney Spears mastrubation marathon?
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT WINDOW
OBESE MAN
Lick my ballsack, honey, I’ll cum faster while I’m jerking off to your mom playing piano.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE WINDOW
JILL
Go fuck yourself, fat man! My mom’s a good Christian woman and she’s dead!
(JACK grabs her and pulls her away, before she returns.)
JILL
And for the record, she was CRAP AT PIANO!
JACK returns away to pull JILL away.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
Both characters continue to run down the street with JACK still shouting. JILL gets exasperated and runs off, leaving JACK behind. A moment later he notices her in the distance and runs after her.
JACK
Whoa…Jill? Jill! Wait!
CUT TO:
EXT. SHOP WINDOW
As JACK runs past a window full of television sets, you can see shaky images of people fleeing down streets in city’s and towns, further ajoined with scenes of destruction and devastation, but no view of the aliens themselves.
JACK stops midway to answer a call.
JACK
Jill?
SEAN (O.S.)
No buddy, it’s Sean, where are you?
JACK
I’m looking for Jill, I was with her just now but lost her a second.
SEAN (O.S.)
Forget that, did you see the news? Have you heard the radio? Dude, have you even looked up????
JACK
I know, I don’t have time for that, I need to find Jill!
SEAN (O.S.)
You slay me, Jack, even in the midst of world annihilation, you still chase after that skirt. Get off the street, man! Find a hiding spot and lay low!
JACK
I can’t. Look, where are you?
SEAN (O.S.)
I’m at home, my mom’s out of the city so I’m holed up here with Susanne and a friend of hers.
JACK
Cool, I’ll find Jill and meet you there.
JACK hangs up the phone and moves on.
The darkness begins to envelope the city. As he approaches a district, JACK sees terrified people running past him in a different direction, his shouts for JILL largely ignored.
CUT TO:
EXT. COFFEE SHOP
As he approaches a coffee shop, he gets bumped into by a kid.
KID
Sorry, mister.
JACK
Where you going, kid? Where’s your parents?
KID
I…I don’t know.
Before JACK could say anymore, the KID runs off. Torn between his search for JILL and the KID’s plight, he struggles with his conscience before deciding to run after him.
JACK
Hey, kid, wait up!
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEYWAY
As the KID cuts the corner and rushes down the alleyway, JACK runs in to search for him, and two thugs appear behind him in an ambush.
THUG 1
Well hello there, handsome.
JACK
Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. You’re mugging me, with THAT thing in the air?
THUG 2
(Smirks)
An entrepreneur never misses an opportunity for business.
JACK resigns to his fate. This isn’t the first time he’s been mugged before.
JACK
Alright, let’s get this over with. Here’s my wallet, watch-
THUG 2
Whoa, hold up, a repeat customer. I like those. Hold on, let me speak to my associate here. Hey Charlie, have this young man ever opened an account with us?
THUG 1
Indeed he has, Bob. And I must say, he’s behind on his repayments.
JACK
Can we please move this along? I have to find someone.
THUG 2
Ah, misplaced something valuable, have we?
THUG 2 punches JACK in the stomach, sending him coiling to the floor in fits of coughing.
THUG 2
DON’T INTERRUPT A BOARD MEETING, ASSHOLE!
THUG 1
, please, don’t scare the wildlife.
THUG 2
I’m so sorry, Charlie, it’s unbecoming of me as a gentleman.
As they speak, a large BOOM is heard, louder than before.
THUG 2
You hear that, sir? The markets are getting restless. I suggest you hand over all commodities before your stocks plummet.
JACK proceeds to hand over his valuables except his cellphone.
THUG 1
He missed a bit.
THUG 2
I can see that. Withholding during an audit is paramount to fraud, sir, and punishable-
THUG 1
Bob.
THUG 2
Ugh, what did we talk about when I’m conducting a transaction.
THUG 1
Bob…where’s LITTLEBONES?
THUG 3, the KID, being the lookout near the mouth of the alleyway, has been quiet the entire time but always in some background, until they look up to find him gone.
THUG 2
I don’t know, go find him. GO! And you, you just wait here, we have unfinished business.
As THUG 1, the air turns slightly greyer, close to a black and white filter. When THUG 1 reaches the entrance to the alleyway, he cautiously searches.
THUG 1
Littlebones? Hey, Littlebones!
An unseen hand grabs THUG 1 away, we’re left along with the business-minded THUG 2 and JACK on the floor, trying to regain his breath.
THUG 2
You hear him there? Hey, you hear him? C’mon man, don’t play around with me. Jesus, these hostile takeovers never go smoothly. Wait here, snowflake.
THUG 2 approaches the entrance and waits cautiously while the air again turns greyer. He turns around, smirks and an unseen hand snatches him away.
JACK lays on his knees on the floor. A BOOM is heard again, and he feels the air turning greyer. Something inside him screams to run, and he bolts up. Seeing as the thugs disappeared by the entrance to the alleyway, he tries a nearby door.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP, BACKROOM
JACK initially cannot open the door from the other side with a few shakes and bashes. He then resorts to smacking at the door and yelling. After a few moments, HUGO the coffee shop owner comes reluctantly to the door and sees JACK through the window.
HUGO
Sava un bein, pardon e mua, we are closed, we are closed, boifon! Ah, I see. Wait, wait a minute!
HUGO opens the door and lets a very terrified JACK in.
HUGO
What is the matter with you, boufin, why do you bother me so late?
JACK
Wait…look.
The air gradually turns greyer until there is no colour left in the scene. The two characters look on as a shadow emerges, somehting shaped unhuman. a few terrifying heartbeats later, the shadow moves and the air changes back to colour.
HUGO
Sava, today I have one less customer.
JACK turns to HUGO and begins to lead him to the front of the shop.
JACK
Hugo, have you locked the front of the shop yet?
HUGO
But of course. I don’t stay open for drunks and hipsters, I don’t serve alcohol or ability. I make coffee, I keep them awake, not make them fall asleep.
A still-terrified JACK leads HUGO to the front and pulls him down to lookout onto the street.
INT. COFFEE SHOP, FRONT
HUGO
Qu’est que ici passe? Why do you look like a rabbit hanging from a hook in a butchery?
JACK
(whispers)
Aliens, Hugo, big…HUGE aliens.
HUGO
Did you see it?
JACK
Well…no.
HUGO
Then how do you know it is an alien, bouffin? It could be God taking a stroll and he is a very tall man.
JACK
Did you not see the mothership in the sky?
HUGO
And leave the shop alone? Someone might take a crouissant, pa merde. My mother made them, she would kill me if I don’t pay her back.
JACK
You didn’t notice the people running away?
HUGO
They opened a Starbucks nearby, I…well, business is business, I suppose.
The air becomes greyer again, and the two characters face the window with shocked looks, as a shadow passes over their faces, turns, and continues on.
HUGO
Ok, I take it back, hipsters can come in.
JACK
Hugo, I need to find Jill, have you seen her walk this way?
HUGO
Ah wee, she was my last customer, ordered a coffee and went away.
JACK
Which way did she go?
HUGO
Left.
JACK
Left…what’s left…SEAN AND SUSANNE! Hugo, you are beautiful. I’m going to head out the backway.
HUGO
Wee wee, go.
As JACK leaves the scene, HUGO looks to see his cat lounging on his counter. After a moment’s thought, he shooes the cat off.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEYWAY
JACK cautiously opens the backdoor and peers out, looking for any danger. He closes the door quietly and scutters through the alleyway towards the exit out into the street.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SEAN’S APARTMENT
As the camera pans down, JACK runs breathlessly down the street towards the entrance to SEAN’s apartment. He examines the door, knocking on it twice.
JACK
Sean, it’s me, open up!
SEAN (O.S.)
Say the magic password.
JACK
\*sigh\*…bitch-tits.
SEAN
Come around the back, dude, we’ll clear the barricade for you.
CUT TO:
EXT. BACKYARD
JACK emerges from around the corner of the house to the back and knocks again on the backdoor.
JACK
It’s me, open up.
SUSANNE (O.S.)
What’s the password?
JACK
Susanne, c’mon, open up.
SUSANNE (O.S.)
I’m not opening up for you, you big tall stranger. How do I know it’s you?
JACK
Ok ok, fine…Santa Fe has a Fairy in San Fransisco when the Fauna flies south. Open the door
JACK can hear furniture being moved around before the door opens and SUSANNE pokes her head out.
SUSANNE
Did you bring cake?
JACK
Susanne, is Jill here?
SUSANNE
Yeah…she is, but…
JACK
Let me in, please, I need to see her.
SUSANNE
Okay.
CUT TO:
INT. SEAN’S KITCHEN
SUSANNE widens the door and allows JACK to enter. He frantically enters and helps her barricade the door again.
JACK
Where is she?
SUSANNE
In the lounge, having a coffee with Sean and Muerte.
JACK
Thank God, I’ve been looking all over for her. I thought I lost her by the -Muerte?
SUSANNE
Mhmm…I’m sorry?
JACK
Who’s Muerte?
SUSANNE
He’s just…some guy. You know…a guy, like any normal guy. Just a guy.
JACK senses confusion from SUSANNE’s evasiveness, completes the barricade and begins to hunt for JILL.
CUT TO:
INT. SEAN’S LOUNGE
JACK enters and finds JILL sitting on the couch, her head bowed forward. JACK freezes.
JACK
Hi.
JILL looks up. unsure of how she should react seeing her ex-boyfriend she left behind on the street, so she gives him a blank look and stares out the window. SEAN is sitting by the windowsill looking out into the street.
JACK
Sean?
SEAN
Hey Jack. Have you met Bob?
JACK gives SEAN a quizzical look.
JACK
Who?
BOB appears from behind the couch, tall and very handsome, someone you’d consider an 90’s hero with blonde, Aryan hair, a rigid jaw, big blue eyes and a physique to die for.
BOB
Found it, was in the…oh hey there, sport!
JACK
Hey.
BOB
I’m Bob.
SEAN
He’s amazing.
JACK
I’m delighted. Jill? You good?
JILL
Yes, Jack, I’m ok. I feel ok, I look ok, I am ok. I’m the Al Lovejoy of ok, ok?
JACK
Ok then.
BOB
Ok.
JACK
Why did you run off?
JILL
You were shouting at people.
JACK
What, you mean the fat guy? The guy was an asshole, and I was trying to warn him about the aliens.
JILL
It’s always something, isn’t it?
JACK
It kinda is when there’s a spaceship looming overhead possibly filled to the brim with dangerous, tentacled, maniacal monsters hell-bent on eating us.
JILL
Jack, why are you here?
SEAN
Shoosh!
JILL looks at SEAN, then turns to JACK and gives him a challenging look.
JACK
(whispers)
I needed to know you’re ok. Sean called me.
JILL
Sean called you?
SEAN
You used to date him, he’s my friend and he’s been hounding my case, get over it, Jill.
JILL
Jesus…
SUSANNE walks in from the kitchen with a tray of sandwiches.
SUSANNE
(whispers)
Sandwiches, everybody.
Everyone thanks SUSANNE and grabs a sandwich.
JACK
You could’ve given me time to help those folks out before doing a roadrunner to Bob over here.
JILL
The anxiety of it was unbearable.
BOB
You’re the guy shouting in the street. “The aliens are coming, the aliens are coming!” Very cool, man, very cool. You do theatre?
JACK
No.
BOB
You should, buddy, you seem right for it, the projection and all. Say, hold on, I can hook you with a production designer for backstage theatre I dated once, fantastic girl, Rita, 5 foot 9, brunette…
JACK
No thanks.
BOB
…Spanish…
JACK
It’s fine.
BOB
…I think…has webbed feet.
JILL
Yes, I ran off, I called Bob and he said he was here with Sean.
JACK
Wait…wait. Hold-up. Bob. He was your date?
JILL
Yeah.
JACK
You have literally looked out the window, considered it a good day and decided to shit on me.
JILL
Did I fucking stutter? Yes, fuck-knuckle, he was my date.
BOB
I was gonna take her dancing.
JACK
She doesn’t dance.
BOB
You don’t dance?
JILL glances at BOB and shakes her head.
BOB
Fine, not Suzy’s then. Next time, O’Driscoll’s, we’ll do shots and sing Irish songs with my uncle.
JILL
That sounds amazing.
JACK
Excuse me!
SEAN
Shoosh!
JACK
She’s my girlfriend.
BOB
Oh…ermm…mind equals blown, cos I thought…
SUSANNE
Guys…
JILL
No I’m not, we broke up.
JACK
Separated.
Anger flashes over JILL’s face and stands up to face JACK. Her annoyance has reached it’s peak and she begins to face JACK with an over-powering urge to hurt him.
JILL
Separated? Let me give you a definition of separated. A power-couple congenially part ways for an indetermined period to escavate what little meaning their can from their own individuality before resolving their unique issues, before returning to their sequestered, aquariatic lives. You know how many people in this country do that every day?
JACK flounders over the question.
JILL
More than people have sticky TV dinners, puppy. We’re not separated. We’re not parted. We’re not even NOT TOGETHER anymore. We’re JUST NOT ANYTHING! Why can’t you get it into your thick skull that this, you and me, is no more, an empty shell of an existence, where friendship, it seems, won’t even survive in this vacuum of love and interest. Jack, you’re an emotional vampire and you’re boring. Fuck off.
SEAN
(whispers harshly)
Guys!
Everybody in the room turns to SEAN suddenly.
SEAN
Shut the f\*\*\* up. They’re here.
Everybody remains motionless as SEAN returns to view out the window. There is a tension in the air; each character looks at each other with apprehension at the danger lurks outside the apartment, yet still retains an air of their emotions towards each other.
JACK looks longingly at JILL. JILL, however, gives him a passing glance and stares out the window past SEAN, then gives a cursory smile at MUERTE, who lights up his cigarette, sees the glance and gives a cheeky little grin. And for the moment, we’re surprised to see SUSANNE looking longingly at JACK, before cutting away and moving over to comfort SEAN as he remains vigilant by the window.
A large boom is heard, louder than before.
JILL
Jesus…when will they stop that?
SEAN
I think they’re nearby.
JACK
They’re nearby.
JACK looks down at his hand, and the scene turns gradually from colour to black & white.
JACK
What are they doing now?
SEAN
They’re coming into view. Jees, they look ugly.
JACK
Yeah?
JACK rushes over to the window. SUSANNE meekly steps aside to allow JACK a better view.
JACK
Wow…I mean, I’ve dated your sister, Sean, but, wow.
SEAN
Shuttup.
BOB
So coach what’s the plan?
SEAN
Easy, we’lll hole up here till the coast is clear, then we’ll head out into my car and drive out of town. They’re only hitting the cities.
JACK
Good plan, Sean, you and Susanne in the front, me and Jill in the back. Muerte, do you have a car?
BOB
Dude, my ride’s in the shop. I need a lift.
JACK
Sorry mate…you’re…ok, I’ll just come out and say it, I’m threatened by you in every way. The hair, the eyes…the jaw. The intelligence.
JILL
Don’t be an asshole, Jack, he’s coming with us…right?
BOB
Yeah, duh, where else would I go, home? No cable.
SEAN
Oh-oh.
JACK
Oh-oh? Oh-oh? Sean, the last time you said oh-oh, we were caught smoking weed in your dad’s shack and he had a belt. A big belt. With a Roses buckle. A cool, BIG Roses buckle. Tell me that’s not the same oh-oh.
SEAN
They’re breaking into the apartments.
Everyone looks at each other.
JACK
Yeah, that’s not the same oh-oh.
A large boom is heard, and as everyone looks around, the colour of the scene changes from colour to black&white. A window CRASH can be heard coming from the bedroom, spooking everyone in the living room.
SEAN
Guys…
EVERYBODY
Yeah?
SEAN
Run.
CUT TO:
INT. SEAN’S KITCHEN
The entire team bail for the kitchen to exit the back, only to discover dark figures standing by the doorway. Everyone freezes and begin to whisper.
JACK
Hold up.
JILL
How are we going to get out?
BOB
I say we take ’em.
JACK
With what, a bat?
BOB
Maybe, totally would.
JACK
Sure, Babe Ruth, hit a home run on their faces, good idea.
JILL
At least he’s trying.
JACK
And I’m not?
JILL
Were you the one that suggested we come here?
SEAN
No, that was me.
JILL
And if only that succeeded.
SUSANNE
Yeah, if only it succeeded.
SUSANNE boxes SEAN on the shoulder, he turns to her with astonishment on his face as he nurses his hurt.
JACK
Look, if Sean hadn’t suggested something, I would’ve.
JILL
Go ahead then, suggest something then, Rambo.
JACK
Ok, let me think.
JILL
Clock’s ticking, puppy, they’re knocking on the door.
JACK
Out the front way.
JILL
Jack, that’s dumb.
JACK
That’s the last thing they’ll expect. We sneak out and dodge past them by hiding behind the parked cars.
JILL
That’s the dumbest thing you’ve said all day. They’re aliens, they don’t watch bad movies, they don’t not expect that at all.
JACK
You’re wrong, tell her Sean.
SEAN
Right…
WIPE TO:
INT. LOUNGE, PAST
Two kids are watching old TV movies.
SEAN (O.S.)
When we were kids, aliens would constantly be scouring the cosmos invading planets looking for resources
The movies feature humans dressed in bad costumes invading homes and shooting with their rayguns, rounding people up and laying them down in gurneys doing weird alien experiments. All inspired by Plan 9 From Outer Space
SEAN (O.S)
They’d abduct humans and take them back to their mothership to perform ghastly experiments.
WIPE TO:
INT. SEAN’S KITCHEN
JACK
It was only later as adults we finally figured out those experiments turned out to be what conspiracy theorists talkd about all along…alien anal probes.
BOB
Amazing.
JILL
You’re idiots, both of you.
SEAN
It makes sense, Jill, logically it’s either for food, scientific advancement or, at the very least, discover what’s in our biology cos theirs is failing, but in most cases-
JACK
-it’s anal probes.
JILL
I, honestly and badly, wish I could un-know this conversation.
JACK
Look, we’re as good as dead anyway, the bad guys are IN the apartment and out the back, they’re searching other homes and not coming up the front way. If anybody else has a better plan, let me know.
Everybody looks at each other, not knowing where to turn.
JACK
Fine.
JACK, staying low, ambles off to the front door.
JILL
Jack! Where you going? Get back here, puppy!
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY, SEAN’S DOOR
The colour has returned to normal. JACK peeks his head out of the door to see who may be near the front door. So far, no aliens appear to have broken in.
JACK
C’mon.
The survivors sneak through the doorway on by one and head forward to the main door which leads out into the street.
JACK
I should create a distraction.
JILL
What were you thinking?
JACK
Well, in drama class in high school, I used to express my emotions in the form of animal behaviour.
JILL
So….
JACK
I do a mean “monkey”, guys, I could run out into the open, create a fuss and run in one direction while you guys run in the opposite way.
BOB
Don’t get me wrong, that’s a great idea and all, but…
BOB opens the front door slightly and points to the rest of the street, away from the aliens currently ransacking apartments. The street ahead seems completely empty.
BOB
You see?
SEAN
What do you guys see?
BOB
There’s no aliens left of the street, we can go that way.
JILL
Nice try, Chuck Norris.
BOB leads JILL in the clear direction, leaving JACK feeling flummoxed and pretty shameful trying to be a hero. SEAN and SUSANNE pass him by.
SEAN
Hard luck there, hero.
SUSANNE tries to console JACK.
SUSANNE
It’s ok, c’mon. I remember your monkey in high school. (whispers) YOU WERE AMAZING.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SEAN’S APARTMENT
With a disheartened JACK in tow, the group scurry away from the marauding invaders. Eventually down the block they relax and sneak down the street more carefully, maintaining a watchful eye past corners. In one moment, SUSANNE pulls SEAN aside out of earshot of the others.
SUSANNE
Sean, you have to do something!
SEAN
I’m doing something.
SUSANNE
What?
SEAN
I’m following Bob.
SUSANNE
No, I mean about Jack and Jill.
SEAN
No. Are you kidding me?
SUSANNE
No I’m not kidding, can you see he’s hurting.
SEAN
So?
SUSANNE
So, you’re his friend, help him.
SEAN
Why? He’s a big boy. You do something.
SUSANNE
I can’t do anything, but I can’t stand to see him that way.
SEAN
Look, those two have been at each other’s throats for ages even BEFORE they broke up, and now he’s chasing after while she’s doe-eyed another. He’s my pal but I’m not that dumb to get in the middle of that mindfuck-fest.
SUSANNE
He can’t seem to get a break, though.
SEAN
You know what, you’re right, and in any good movie, the good guy will find his value questioned, beat the bad guy and get the girl. The question you have to ask is, is Jack the good guy?
SUSANNE
Isn’t he?
SEAN
I don’t know. Jack’s a procrastinator and he’s half-heartedly chasing after a dismissive Jill, would you pay to see that movie?
SUSANNE
No, I guess not, but…
SEAN
No buts, Susanne, this is the movie we’re in right now.
SEAN points up at the sky, indicating the large mothership. SUSANNE seems defeated after the conversation and continues on.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET, DAY
BOB turns and stops everyone.
SEAN
Where are we going?
BOB
I know where. A perfect place to hide, supplies, the works.
JACK
Your dad’s mansion?
BOB
Well, yeah…but he lives outside the city, and that’s way too far.
JILL shoulder-slaps JACK and gives him a dirty look.
BOB
It’s this way, c’mon.
JACK
(mimicing a condescending tone)
It’s this way, c’mon.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CAFE ITALIA, DAY
Everyone moves to stand in front of an Italian coffee shop. BOB knocks gently on the door to see if the proprietor is in.
JACK
Oh you are kidding me.
JILL
What now, puppy?
JACK
Cafe Italia? Hugo would slaughter us if he knew we’re going in there.
JILL points up at the sky.
JACK
Yeah I know that, but walking into an Italian shop? It’s like you sleeping with Bob after sleeping with me.
JILL
How?
JACK
Just…gross.
JILL
For your information, puppy, I have not slept with him. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be posted on my Facebook wall for you to cry over.
JACK
I wasn’t…really talking about that, I’m just saying…
JILL
You’re saying what, puppy? You’re longing for a reunion with me and my own, clearly under the assumption that you’re being threatened thanks to Bob the Alpha Male, when in contrast you need to be a Beta male just to show up to the bout.
JACK
Jill.
JILL
What?
JACK points towards the doorway. BOB is standing there, the door mid-open.
BOB
Nobody’s answering, but got the door open anyway. Let’s go.
The group scurry in.
INT. CAFE ITALIA, DAY
The scene seems eerie, like a dusty fog has settled over the shop. The survivors venutre in cautiously.
BOB
Hello?
JILL
You think they’re gone?
JACK
Italians leave their shop unattended? Only if their mom isn’t living upstairs.
JILL
Shhh!
BOB
Anybody there?
Suddenly, two men appear from behind the counter, wielding shotguns and dressed in baseball catcher armor. Both are first-generation Italian in their 30’s.
MARIO
Freeze, assholes!
LUIGI
Si, freeze!
BOB
Whoa, wait up, Mario, Luigi, it’s me, Bob, I’m the guy that comes in every Friday asking for a small skinny latte with a cookie your mom makes, the gingerbread ones with the faces?
As BOB speaks, JACK nudges to JILL who turns around. He excitedly makes the sign of a Nintendo controller, she rolls her eyes and continues to watch the conversation.
MARIO
I know who you are, putana. What are you assholes doing in my store?
LUIGI
Si, our store!
BOB
We’re just in here looking for shelter, we know you guys have a downstairs basement.
JACK
And I’m dying for a cappucino.
MARIO
(Pauses for a moment, responds apologetically)
Machine’s off.
LUIGI
Si, machine’s off.
MARIO
And you can’t stay here, my momma is downstairs with the cats.
BOB
Cats?
MARIO
Si, her cats.
LUIGI
Momma loves her cats. They replaced us about 2 years ago when we brought her here from Sicily and opened the shop.
MARIO
Something about (in Italian, subtitled) “Why you fools bring me to this fascist America, full of capitilists and baby mouth-lovers?”
JACK
Sorry, didn’t catch that last part.
JILL
You do know there’s blood-thirsty aliens outside rampaging and pillaging our great city?
MARIO
We know that too.
LUIGI
Si, we know.
MARIO
But we have American-made shotguns, American-made bullets and Tito Sam looking over us.
Both MARIO and LUIGI make the sign of the cross towards a poster of Uncle Sam, looking different with a handle-bar moustache, drinking a cappuccino and a rosary hanging around his neck.
SEAN
Very cultured.
JACK
Look, gentlemen, we’d hate to bother your mom-
MARIO
Momma.
JACK
-Momma and her new family, but there’s big aliens out there out to get everybody. Is there anywhere in your coffee shop you can hide us?
MARIO and LUIGI look at each other uneasily, but seem to come to a concensus.
MARIO
Si, there is a place you can hide. But there is something you must do for us.
JACK
Anything…
JILL
Jack…
JACK
Seriously, what do you need us to do?
CUT TO:
INT. CAFE ITALIA, PANTRY
The group are huddled together in a pantry within the coffee shop in hushed silence, peeling potatoes.
BOB
(whispers)
Well…this is nice.
JACK
(whispers)
Really?? Nice? Are you kidding me? We’re hiding out from aliens in an Italian pantry peeling potatoes, and you’re telling me this is nice? And Bob?
BOB
(whispers)
Yeah?
JILL
(whispers)
Why do they need potatoes?
BOB
(whispers)
Fries.
JACK pauses for a moment, giving him a stare.
JACK
(whispers)
REALLY?? Fries?
JILL
(whispers)
Jack, stop it.
JACK
(whispers)
What for, Bob, coffee-flavoured burgers?
JILL
(whispers)
You’re being an asshole, and you’re the one that got us into peeling potatoes.
JACK
(whispers)
I’m sorry. We’re running for our lives from what could be the biggest threat to the human race since reality TV, and we were led by that tall glass of water over there to walk into the only store in the world still need potato chips during the apocalypse. Pass me the big peeler over there, I’ve got my own head to open up and examine.
JILL
(whispers)
Oh, and you’re so perfect then, aren’t you? I didn’t see you take charge, Einstein.
JACK
(whispers)
Would you have listened? Everytime something disagrees with you, you push it aside or tell it to go away, never giving it a chance to change or improve.
BOB
(whispers)
Listen, guys…
JACK
(whispers)
“It’s not worth my energy, Jack, it’s not worth my time, Jack, it’s not in line with my religous beliefs or my menstrual cycle, Jack.”
JILL
(whispers)
Oh you’re one to talk! You constantly run from any challenge, never living up to your obligations as, you know, a man! So detrimental to the male gene-pool, you’re probably the first guy ever to insist on couples’ counselling and cry because we were late for the appointment.
JACK
(whispers)
Oh yeah, take the emasculating route there, what a great defense.
JILL
(whispers)
Don’t even think about it, puppy, you’re not gonna trap me into saying that I’m only capable of making you look like a girl cos I’m burning bras and protesting for the vote. In your head, you”re thinking you need to be someone who chops down trees and eats his lunch with a sweaty brow and a feeling of fulfilment.
JACK
(whispers)
And that’s the kind of guy you want, obviously.
JILL
(whispers)
You still have no idea.
SEAN
(whispers)
Shhh, listen.
The group strain to hear a commotion occurring outside. They can hear Italian voices muttering, the sound of guns cocking. The tension builds in th air, as the group grow concerned the aliens have broken in.
BOB
(whispers)
We should do something.
JILL
(whispers)
What can we do? Those are gun-toting Italians out there with spit-roasting Oedipal complexes, you’re going to get in the way of them and brain-sucking aliens?
BOB
Jill, I have to try.
JACK watches the interaction between the two with trepidation. As BOB heads towards the pantry door, JILL begins to follow.
BOB
(whispers)
What are you doing?
JILL
(whispers)
I’m coming with you.
JACK
(whispers)
No.
JILL
(whispers)
Puppy, just because you’ve got no backbone doesn’t mean I don’t. I’m going out there, I’m grabbing a gun and I’m gonna shoot.
BOB
(whispers)
No you’re not.
JACK figures it’s his latest opportunity to shine.
JACK
(whispers)
Yeah, ummm, Bob’s right.
JILL
(whispers)
Is he now?
JACK
(whispers)
Yeah…him and I, we’ll both go.
BOB
(whispers)
It’s ok, buddy, I can take this.
JACK
(whispers)
Sure, it makes us all feel better knowing you’re out there alone with Italians and aliens. I’m coming with you.
JILL grabs JACK’s arm.
JILL
(whispers)
Puppy…you have nothing to prove.
JACK
(whispers)
Thanks for the vote of confidence, sweetheart, but we fellas can take this.
Loud shouting can be heard outside, a gunshot is heard.
JILL
(whispers)
No, I mean, you have nothing. To prove. At all.
JACK
(whispers)
Thanks.
JACK and BOB sneak out of the pantry to view the front of the shop.
CUT TO:
INT. CAFE ITALIA, DAY
BOB and JACK hide behind cover to see MARIO and LUIGI returning fire at an assailant from the front door.
MARIO
(in Italian, subtitled)
Get lost, you hairy four-legged pond swimmer! You sycophantic rug-muncher! You give up easier than my second wife ever did giving me a blowjob in front of the television!
LUIGI
(in Italian, subtitled)
Yes, television!
HUGO (O.S.)
(in French, subtitled)
Fuck you, you can go play with yourselves, you stupid truffle-eating pig-fuckers, under-cut my prices and steal my customers! You should be castrated just so that your assholes don’t feel dirty!
JACK
Holy crap.
BOB
What?
JACK
It’s Hugo.
MARIO
(in Italian, subtitled)
Say that in a real language, you backwards bush-fairy!
BOB
GUYS!
MARIO
Stay back, Roberto! This French motherfucker isn’t allowed in my shop!
JACK
Hugo! Stop shooting!
HUGO
Jack?
JACK
Yes?
HUGO
You traitor! What the hell are you doing in this (in French, subtitled) shit-infested excuse for a coffee shop?
MARIO
You know this asshole?
JACK
Hugo, c’mon, aliens were everywhere, we needed a place to hide and this was the closest. Now, please stop shooting.
HUGO
Only if these assholes stop their shooting.
MARIO
Fuck you, Frenchie, your coffee tastes like shit on my shoe after I stick it up your ass!
BOB
(in Italian, subtitled)
Comrade, please! Now is not the time for revolution, now is the time for salvation. We face a crisis the world has never faced before! Please, lay down your arms and accept this man into your loving embrace.
JACK looks at BOB, dumb-founded.
JACK
You know how to speak Italian?
BOB
A little.
JACK
A little?
MARIO
Okay, Roberto, since you put it that way, we will do this.
LUIGI
Si…just for you.
JACK can’t let BOB take all the glory, so he takes it upon himself to try and calm HUGO down.
JACK
Hugo…buddy. You ok?
HUGO
Oui, Jack, how are you?
JACK
I’m fine. Listen, maybe it’d be a good idea to, umm, stop shooting, maybe? If these guys stop their shooting, you may want to save some bullets for the brain-sucking ass-probing aliens, eh? Buddy?
JACK glances over at BOB, who nods in unsure approval.
HUGO
Jack?
JACK
Yeah?
HUGO
Did you drink their coffee?
JACK glances over at BOB, who shakes his head.
JACK
Ermm…no, mate, why would I do that?
HUGO
Jack, you’re lying. You’re snivelling.
JACK
I what?
HUGO
You snivel. Like Jill would say, like a puppy. Not to worry, mon ami, I will accept their surrender, or else I will make these glorified plumbers wish their mother hadn’t slept with that homeless man behind the abortion clinic.
MARIO
(In Italian, subtitled)
Eh fuck you, you Mali-invading worm!
BOB
(in Italian, subtitled)
Calm, comrade, calm.
JACK
Hugo!
HUGO
Ok ok, no more shooting.
The three foreigners point their guns down and approach each cautiously.
MARIO
We welcome you to our shop. The machine is off.
LUIGI
Si, machine’s off.
HUGO
Thank you, and not a problem.
The three men make an obscure handshake. HUGO approaches JACK and BOB, while MARIO and LUIGI turn to Tito Sam and make the sign of the cross. The rest of the group emerge from the pantry.
JILL
Ok to come out, guys?
HUGO
Jill, mon cheri, it is good to see you.
JILL joins BOB, much to JACK’s dismay.
JILL
You did this?
BOB
Yeah, I know a little European, I manage to calm the situation.
JILL
Nice.
JACK walks sheepishly up to JILL.
JACK
I helped stop Hugo from shooting.
JILL
Really? Did you, or did you just plead with him not to shoot you accidently?
JACK
No, I pleaded with him to conserve his ammo for the aliens.
JILL
Did you pee your pants doing it?
HUGO
What are you two doing here? I am happy you are both well.
JILL
Thanks.
HUGO
And Jack, you buffoon, I would have almost shot you if you hadn’t called out like a little schoolgirl trying to cross the street.
JACK looks sheepishly at JILL.
JACK
I didn’t…ummm…I called out like a scared guy, not a little schoolgirl. That would’ve implied I was a soprano or an alto. Definitely more of a baritone. That would, umm…make the schoolgirl 6 foot 5 or…something.
JILL
This is Bob, Sean and Susanne.
HUGO
The other two I know, they do not come too often to drink my coffee, whom I hope God forgives. But Bob, ah…oui, big strong man, good lips, very confident.
BOB
(In French, subtitled)
A pleasure to meet you, sir.
HUGO
(In French, subtitled)
Oh my, you speak French too! And an impressive accent too.
BOB
Thank you. My mother worked for a time at the US Consulate in Paris, I picked up some things from the staff.
HUGO
Ah Paris, how I miss it’s beautiful lights, it’s torrid smells, it’s despicable people. Will never return there.
JILL
Why not?
HUGO
Eh, mainly because French people are assholes. Not as bad as the Italians?
MARIO
Hey, why do you insult us in our own shop, eh?
LUIGI
Yeah, eh?
Knocks can be heard from the floorboards.
MARIO
Ah mamma! Hold on, we’re coming for you!
LUIGI
Si, mamma, hold on.
MARIO and LUIGI move to the back of the shop.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP, BACKROOM
MARIO and LUIGI head to a trapdoor and open door, pulling their aged mother while a cat escapes. Everyone gathers to investigate.
MARIO
(In Italian, subtitled)
We’re sorry mother, we have some guests here.
LUIGI
(In Italian, subtitled)
Si, guests.
MAMMA
(In Italian, subtitled)
You pieces of shit, I should’ve killed you both the moment you came out of my belly. Why the fuck have you left me there with these horrid creatures, they smell of shit!
MARIO
(In Italian, subtitled)
We’re sorry, mamma.
LUIGI
(In Italian, subtitled)
Si, sorry.
MAMMA
Who the hell are pieces of shit here? What, they expect a show? Am I going to sing for them? Do they want me to show them my boobs?
MAMMA looks at each one individually, scrutinising each person, even pinching the cheeks of some of them. She takes her time with JACK and JILL, seeing a connection no one else can. Finally, she ends with HUGO.
MAMMA
(in Italian, sub-titled)
Hey Mario!
MARIO
Si Mamma?
MAMMA
(In Italian, subtitled)
Is this the man you told me to be careful of?
MARIO
Si Mamma.
MAMMA
Tonight…I will sleep with this man.
MAMMA huddles to the back of the store, opens the pantry, walks out with a wheel of cheese, heads straight to the trapdoor and climbs down, leaving everybody slightly bemused.
HUGO
Jack?
JACK
Yeah?
HUGO
May I speak to you in private?
JACK
Sure.
HUGO and JACK move to the back of the shop, all of the group inquisitive about their intentions.
HUGO
Jack, I believe we have known each other for a very long time, and I can count you as a dear, dear friend of mine.
JACK
I only started buying coffee from you a few months ago.
HUGO
Ok, but at least now I call you my friend, oui?
JACK
Dude, it was only last week you started calling me Jack, before that it was “idiot, get zee fuck outta here!”
HUGO
Whatever, water off a glazed duck’s back. I sense that things may not be going so well between you and Jill, oui?
JACK
Well, I wouldn’t say badly.
HUGO
Jack, mon ami, Jill is practically rubbing her vagina on that man’s leg. Given half a chance she would try to fall pregnant just with the fluff in his pocket.
JACK
Gees, Hugo.
HUGO
What is the matter, do you not see it? The way she looks at him, all passionately like a fat boy does to a…a fat girl, non? The way the fat boy rolls his chest around in a prancing method like a marshmellow peacock, and the fat girl takes a moment away from eating to see this beautiful example of manhood stumbling over to her like a King Pengiun with intention on his mind…
JACK
I really don’t get what you’re saying.
HUGO
Mon duex, you are an imbecile. Look, you see Bob?
JACK
Yeah?
HUGO
Well, Bob is a big man, huge arms, good looks, speaks many languages, has talents us mere mortals can only dream of enjoying. He practically could stare at her and she could orgasm twice a minute and he would still need to break a sweat.
JACK
Hugo, what’s your point?
HUGO
My point, mon ami, is despite all of that, she does not look at him as much as your imagination expects…you are still better than him.
JACK
How?
HUGO
Because, Jack, she still loves you. You just have to realise why.
JILL suddenly appears nearby.
JILL
What are you two talking about?
JACK
Nothing, really.
HUGO
Really? Jack, you menace, you micredit me, I am a man of o many words, you know. Nothing can stand in the way between me and conversation. No Jill, I was telling Jack how I managed to escape my coffee shop and come looking for you.
JILL
Why? I thought you were going to stay?
HUGO
To be honest, mon cher…I have rats. Anyway, excuse me, I must taunt those fucking Italians into trying to hit me.
HUGO leaves JILL standing awkwardly with JACK.
JACK
Pretty cool day so far, aliens, Europeans shooting more than we do.
JILL
I’m going to be honest, I’m not surprised Hugo has a gun.
JACK
Why?
JILL
He’s French, but he’s from Switzerland, he has money. Making coffee is probably a front for his connections with the Mafia.
JACK
That’s bullshit. Maybe he just hunted when he was younger.
JILL
You believe that, puppy.
As JILL begins to walk away, JACK sees her skin losing colour. He looks around and the environment begins to change to grey.
JACK
(whispers)
Guys! Hide!
The group scurries over to the pantry. HUGO and the Italians take up position behind the counter.
MARIO
For momma.
LUIGI
For momma.
HUGO
For coffee.
CUT TO:
INT. CAFE ITALIA, PANTRY
The group huddles into the pantry and close the door. They remain still, straining to hear any changes in noise outside. One by one, the sound of each man defending the shop yelling frightens the group, until all of it stops and silence permeats the air.
Eventually, with nothing left to lose, BOB opens the pantry door, and a bright light shines through. Everyone gets knocked back violently and lose conciousness, and the screen fades as dark shadows loom over their impairing vision.
CUT TO:
INT. ALIEN LOCATION, NIGHT
JILL opens her eyes slowly, her vision adjusting to the surroundings. The walls glisten with alien slime permeating from pores within its skin, and an odour that invokes revulsion.
She shakes her head, trying to get the cobwebs out and scours the room to find any meaning. She sees JACK lying still and motionless on the other side of the room. She crawls over to him.
JILL
Jack. JACK! Wake up!
JACK wakes up with a stir.
JACK
Mhhmmm…
JILL
JACK! Wake up, you idiot!
JACK
Oh my god, that smell. The drains blocked again?
JILL
I don’t know where we are, Jack, and I don’t see anybody else.
JACK
Where did the others go?
JILL
To Vegas, Jack, they left us behind. Idiot, we got…we’ve been kidnapped.
JACK
Oh…oh yeah, I remember. We were in the pantry.
JILL
Yeah.
JACK
You were falling in love with Bob and then the aliens flashed us with a light, knocking us out.
JILL
Seriously, that’s all you’re thinking of, me falling for Bob?
JACK
Well, you like to plan ahead sometimes, it’s what I admire about you. End of the world, choose the man most likely to produce the best sperm, I get it.
JILL
Honestly, you’re a fucking asshole.
JACK
What did I say?
JILL
It’s always about you, isn’t it? Why some other guy is better than you, eh? always about the other guy? In this whole day of aliens and Italians, running away and getting kidnapped, have you not yet figured out the truth?
JACK
The truth about what, Jill?
JILL
The truth that I can’t like you because YOU can’t like you.
JACK
What?
JILL
Jack, you seemed like a nice guy in the beginning, but getting to know you, I figured pretty much how self-loathing you really are. Pound for pound, fat people at a bake sale feel better about themselves than you do. Ten out of ten times, you’re a wheel of cheese in a mouse convention.
JACK
That makes no sense.
JILL
Of course it doesn’t, Jack, we’re in an alien spaceship and you’re concerned that I’ve got the hots for someone else. I can’t be bothered to deal with your shit anymore.
JACK
I don’t like to leave it at that! It’s always something else that I have no control over. You not having fun with me anymore because you’re “not in the mood”, before all this started. You falling out of love with me because it wasn’t in fashion. You wanting to change jobs because you felt you were being tied down.
JILL
I was.
JACK
You were making great money blogging about different canned foods and giving them reviews. How can I compete with mood swings? How can I compete with what’s flavour of the month for you? Well, this time around, I’ve got bigger fish to catch, young lady, and you…
JILL
What?
JACK
…you’re the one thing I don’t want to give up on.
JILL stares distantly at JACK.
JACK
All my life, I’ve given up on succeeding at anything. Sports, projects, jobs. I couldn’t take the lack of energy in trying to achieve something so fundamental as learning to rollerskate, juggle or finish an assignment at school. I’m mister Procrastinator. I’ve over 30, no house, car, kids, everything people like us usually take. And then I meet you, someone who changes her mind quicker than anybody changing their socks, and I realise…this is the girl I’m now going to stick with.
JILL
Puppy, if you’ve got something to prove, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I’m no prize to put on some asshole mantlepiece, especially not yours.
JACK
You don’t understand…I didn’t just find a girl, I found you.
JILL
There’s…violins, literally, playing in my head right now.
JACK
Goddammit, why do I even bother.
A large BOOM, bigger than ever before, is heard. The two look up and survey their surroundings.
JACK
You figured a way out?
JILL
There’s no doorway.
JACK
What do you mean?
JILL
I mean, there’s no alien door with bars or a key or a sign that says, “Exit.” There’s nothing, nowhere, nada.
JACK
The walls…so slimey, it must be organic. I guess a doorway just grows open.
JILL
Ewww.
JACK
Yeah, eww. We gotta figure a way out. You have a knife on you?
JILL
Oh great, I’m the nurse with the scalpel.
JACK
To be fair, this version of “Operation!” makes me a little nervous.
JILL
You don’t say. There’s no little nose turning red if you get it wrong.
JACK
Why didn’t they just come out with the real name for that game…Electrician, the Board Game.
JILL
Can you avoid making the connection that sets off a comical character’s nose and make your mom snort milk out of her nose?
JACK
Fun for the whole family…even your grandfather, whose main appreciation for spending time with you is that he’s lived another day.
JILL
Droll, puppy, droll.
They continued in silence for a moment, trying to work away from the awkwardness.
JACK
Do you have a favourite political leader?
JILL
Serious?
JACK
Passing the time.
JILL
Engelbert Humperdink.
JACK
He’s not a political leader?
JILL
He is in my little world.
JACK
The one in your head?
JILL
The one you have no clue about, sorry.
JACK
No man does, Jill, no one.
JILL
Bob does.
JACK
He doesn’t.
JILL
What makes you say it, Dr. Phil?
JACK
Does he keep you secure?
JILL
Yes.
JACK
Entertain you?
JILL
Immensely.
JACK
Make you feel like you’re on a pedestal.
JILL
Like an orchid on a windowsill.
JACK
Does he remind you life is short?
JILL
No, that’s dumb, who wants to be so depressing?
JACK
So he doesn’t motivate you?
JILL
I don’t need motivation, Jack.
JACK looked at her with a cool stare.
JACK
Really?
JILL stays silent for a few moments, aware JACK is about to bring up something awkward
JACK
You remember that time you figured you’d be a great ukulele player, and you scoured for days on the Internet finding the right one with the right colour, shape, even read reviews, had an argument with a guy in Singapore called StarkKiller119 about the schematics, before waiting for two weeks for one to be shipped over from Saigon, and when it finally arrived, you spent two hours staring at chords before dropping it and watched a TV show for the rest of the evening?
JILL
Yeah?
JACK
Who got you back on it?
JILL
Enlighten me.
JACK
I did, for weeks constantly doing when you’re going to learn to play it, when you’re going to practice a song so we can sit together you serenade me-
JILL
Pfft.
JACK
-serenade me an ode to flowers or something such, and what did you do?
JILL
Nothing.
JACK
Wrong, I heard you play.
JILL
When?
JACK
Two months Later, you were writing a song. “Talking to the worms” I think was one line.
JILL
I…I didn’t know you were there.
JACK
“Standing on the edge of my own two hands, I’m talking to the worms and they make no sense, cos they’re worms, they’re just worms.”
JILL remained silent, embarrassed by the revelation. But after a moment of JACK staring at her intensely, she resented.
JILL
“Failing to repeat the moment of today, trying to keep melancholy away, I’m talking to the worms, cos they’re just worms.”
A large BOOzm could be heard. They both giggle nervously and give each other sheepish looks.
JACK
We’re going to get out of this, Jill.
JILL
How?
JACK
I don’t know, but-
The wall began to slither. A doorway began to form and opened, revealing BOB holding an alien object.
BOB
Hey guys, what’s happening?
JILL
Bob!
JACK
Bob.
BOB
I’ve had, like, a really great time being captured by aliens and stuff, but, umm…
JACK
Let’s go, Bob.
BOB
Right. This way, c’mon.
The pair left up and followed BOB out into an alien corridor.
INT. ALIEN CORRIDOR
BOB leads JACK and JILL through a long corridor. Sounds of rumbling can be heard as they pass other avenues, and the group observe other people running through from an unknown terror.
BOB
Stay close. Don’t make a sound.
BOB and JILL lead the way while JACK lingers behind, looking around for signs of danger.
JACK
Guys, I think we should-
The walls being to shimmer, and a door begins to form, trapping JACK in the adjacent corridor to where JILL and BOB are.
JILL
Jack! No!
JACK
Go! Just go!
The wall closes in, and JILL runs to it, slamming her hands on it in frustrated. For the first time, she feels helpless as she loses what she took for granted. A moment lapses and BOB grabs her arm.
BOB
We gotta go!
JILL
We can’t just leave him there!
BOB
We can’t do anything for him, we can’t even open the door!
Reluctantly, JILL leaves the door and runs after BOB through unmapped corridors. Eventually they come across the rest of the group.
SEAN
Jill!
JILL
Sean! Suzanne!
SEAN
Where’s Jack?
JILL
(begins to cry)
I…I…I don’t know!
BOB
Poor guy was trapped behind a wall.
SEAN
Oh is that all?
JILL
What do you mean?
SEAN
Babe, that guy loves you beyond belief. He’ll get out if he has to tear this place apart.
MARIO and LUIGI appear from another corridor!
MARIO
Sta bene! We found a way out.
LUIGI
Si, a way out!
MARIO
Do you have to shout?
LUIGI
You shout all the time, puto! What you mean I’m shouting?
JILL
Guys!
MARIO
Si?
JILL
Jack…he’s missing.
MARIO
Si.
LUIGI
Si.
JILL just let out a exasperated sigh and ran off.
BOB
Jill!
HUGO
Mon ami, I shall take care of this.
CUT TO:
INT. ALIEN CORRIDOR – MOMENTS LATER
HUGO finds JILL leaning back on a wall, tears streaming down her face.
HUGO
Mon petite, what is the matter?
JILL
Nothing.
HUGO
Come now, sweet thing, you know better than that. No one has ever seen you cry and here you are, in an alien ship, crying like a baby. Under normal circumstances, that is the right thing to do, but…
JILL
But?
HUGO
Where is Jack?
JILL sobs loudly.
JILL
We left him, Hugo, we left him behind. And I couldn’t do anything.
HUGO
What could you do?
JILL
I could’ve saved him! I could’ve done something! I could’ve tried to stop the wall from growing so that it wouldn’t close.
HUGO
What makes you so sure you could’ve stopped it?
JILL
I don’t know! At least I could’ve tried. He would have.
HUGO
Wee, he would have. But he knows not to try when it is futile.
JILL
What, you mean he would’ve just given up?
HUGO
You do not understand, mon petite. Jack is not a loser and he does not give up so easily. He is a patient, PATIENT man, and he will do whatever it takes, as long as it is worthwhile, and if he knows he has a fighting chance. And he will wait for the right moment…ok, not always, but most of the time.
JILL
Yeah, you could say that.
HUGO
Did you ever believe otherwise?
JILL contemplates her answer.
JILL
I never thought Jack to be anything else than a silly little puppy. He never seemed to show me any further interest other than his own interest for me, and couldn’t excite me like any other. But, in a way, I didn’t give him the chance to see him grow, to watch him turn into the man I would fall in love with.
HUGO
Excuses! That is not your real answer!
JILL
What?
HUGO
Of course that is not the answer at all, mon cher! It’s not that you didn’t watch him grow up. He is a man now already.
JILL
Then what is it?
HUGO
Is it not clear? It is purely to give him the chance at being himself with you…and showing you that what he is…is what he is. And for you, to fall in love with him.
JILL
And what if I wouldn’t fall in love with him then?
HUGO
Well, you didn’t give yourself the chance either.
JILL looks intently at HUGO, then turns and ponders on about her predicament.
A large BOOM is heard, and BOB rushes into the corridor, holding a large, alien weapon.
BOB
Guys!
Everyone turns around to stare at BOB.
BOB
I found this gun. It looks really MEAN and pulsates with a eerie glow that tingles a little. I’m gonna scout out ahead and try to find anything that’s dangerous to shoot at.
As BOB heads out, JILL and HUGO give each other a look.
HUGO
Really?
JILL
No, not really.
They both stood up and exited the corridor.
INT. ALIEN CAVERN
The group enter a huge cavern. The scene is chaotic and filled with chagrin as people seem to run past screaming in terror.
JILL and HUGO follow BOB cautiously as he led thr way through the cavern, keeping an eye on his surroundings while branding the awful weapon he found.
BOB
I think we’re almost there, folks, there’s an light up ahead that I think will get us out of here.
JILL
You think so? The light’s kind of green.
BOB
Hey, anything’s better than staying here. We’re either going to be mole-rats or we’re getting out of here.
A loud BOOM can be heard, but soon after the rumble turned to thunder as the cavern shuddered and shook, throwing them all off their feet. The floor beneath them began to fall underneath and JILL being the closest to the precipice slid down to its edge.
HUGO
Jill!
BOB stared in horror, but before he could respond, dark shapes silheoutted in the exit doorway stood, menacingly, at its threshold. Their gruesome shapes outlined by the greenish glow behind them, they raised their appendages and pointed at the group.
BOB
Oh crap.
BOB raised his own weapon and fired, and a large green-glowing projectile streamed from the weapon towards the alien silhouettes. One disintergrated, while others stood their grand and continued their assault.
HUGO is pinned down and JILL is hanging on to the edge with her fingertips. She begins to lose her grip and all seems lost.
JILL
HUGO! BOB!
Slowly, a realisation creeps up to her and memories of her time with JACK returns to her, positive ones that show their time together as a couple, and she begins to cry.
JILL
(whispers)
Jack…
Just then, an unknown figure seems to appear out of nowhere and races to the spot where JILL is hanging on for dear life. The figure takes a dive and slides down, his hand outstretched and grabs JILL’s hand as she slips.
She looks up…and JACK’s puffed face looks down at her.
JACK
You seriously have to stop running away from me.
JILL
Just pull me up, will ya?!!
JACK pulls her up from the precipice and they sit on their backsides, breathing heavily. The realisation dawns on her eyes as she looks into his.
JILL
I thought I lost you.
JACK
You did…
The moment slows, in the background explosions are occurring and BOB is still firing his weapon, remaining steadfast in his assault with a gleam in his eye.
They kiss, and from the opposite angle an explosion rips a hole open and Marines from the Army pile in to assist BOB in the assault.
They pull away, still looking at each other.
JILL
That, puppy, was memorable.
JACK
Let’s get out of here so you can continue to ridicule me later.
They stand up and rush towards the hole in the wall, their silheouttes blurring away the further they get from the camera.
WHITE OUT
INT. COFFEE SHOP, FRONT, DAY
HUGO is busy preparing for the new day’s business. His cat is sitting on the counter, looking back at him with disinterest.
HUGO
Why do you sit there so bored, bouffin? Did you not us mere mortals win back our planet against those nasty aliens? Where were you when the bloodshed began?
HUGO’s cat stares back at him with further disinterest.
HUGO
Fight, play! Do what you need to to tolerate this taxing existence of being a cat! Merde.
The cafe’s doorbell jingles and two figures enter, approaching the counter.
HUGO
Ah j’ean tai, mon amis, welcome back to my little shop!
JACK and JILL smile back at HUGO. They’re wearing plain clothes like they’ve been moving boxes.
JILL
Thanks, Hugo, we just came by to pick up a quick coffee inbetween moving Jack’s stuff back into my apartment.
JACK
Yeah, all seven.
MARIO and LUIGI storm into the shop.
MARIO
Hugo, Hugo, sorry we are late, we had to put mamma in the house in such a way so she wouldn’t break the furniture, we’re so sorry.
LUIGI
Si, we’re sorry.
JACK and JILL look perplexed at HUGO.
HUGO
They’re shop was destroyed, but had some money, so we’re going into business together. I make the coffee, they make the pastries.
JILL
A French/Italian coffee shop and bistro. The world is definitely about to end.
JACK
Thanks for the coffee.
CUT TO:
INT. JILL’S APARTMENT
JACK and JILL step into JILL’s apartment filled with boxes.
JACK
So…
JILL
So…
JACK
Admit it, you’re glad I’ve moved back in.
JILL
Sure, I’m glad your junk is back in my apartment making a huge mess of things.
JACK
It’s not junk, it’s a good collection of clothes, records, games.
JILL approaches JACK and gives him a hug and kiss.
JILL
That’s right, puppy…junk.
THE END